The soundtrack of their lives
by Gii3
Summary: Music was their life and lyrics were their story. A collection of songfics for the Ipod challenge. Rated T just in case. Can be any character, any genre and any lenght. -The characters and genres are the ones of the current chapter-
1. Of grieving a friend

_To be honest with you, there's a brainstorm of ideas going in my head. I have at least five fics in mind, which I have no idea who to even start and have like 3 or 4 other challenges to complete and still, as if didn't had enough… _

_So, this fic is written in response to 'The ipod challenge' in HPFC. The challenge consists in writing a song-fic with a different song everyday for 30 days (though, don't trust me to update daily)_

_Disclaimer: I'm not J.K so bugger off._

_**Characters:**Remus L/Sirius B**  
Genres: **Friendship/Angst  
**Song:** That's what you get - Paramore [An specific part]  
_

**Of grieving a friend  
****-  
I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.  
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.  
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.  
-**

Remus Lupin sat on his bed, with blank expression. He felt empty, as he couldn't feel anything at all. He had just made it home, but he didn't think he could stay there any longer either. He stared at his bare hands as if all answer he needed were written upon them.

He had just made it from the ministry but it wasn't the confirmation of Voldemort's return that got him so lost and confused but the image of the only friend he had left disappearing into that veil. Dying.

He thought of Sirius Black. So vibrant and brave, the Sirius Black he had met many years ago, when he studied at Hogwarts. His best friend. He thought of the pranks he was so fond of and how he was able, even in the darkest time, to cheer him up. He then thought of the older Sirius, the one who had gone through so much and who had lost all hope.

Even after going through so much, Sirius still made him feel alive again. After having both gone through so much, the thought of Sirius Black made Remus hope again.

He had not allowed himself to do such after what happened with Lily and James, but after finding out the truth about Sirius, Remus felt this strange joyfulness grow inside him. He felt he still had hope, that he was not alone anymore, and as stupid as it may sound, he felt safe.

But now… Now he was just merely confused. He thought that now with Sirius' presence everything would settle down eventually but his death made it pretty clear that it was all just a lie.

He had let himself hope again, only to go crashing to the ground when such hopes got inevitably burnt down.

Remus sighed and let his mind wander; it was not like he cared anymore, besides he couldn't even be affected by any thought at all, since he was feeling a numbness that was protecting him from crashing down. Strangely enough, he didn't feel affected by Sirius death anymore; he hadn't even been able to mourn properly for that.

He thought of Harry. He knew when he saw Harry's expression on the ministry that he had, foolishly, believed the same thing he had, that things would work out and settle. How foolish had they both been? There's no hope, this war is lost anyways.

Any possible sheer of optimism left in Remus Lupin was now gone, just like the little life Sirius had had within him on his last months of life.

But then Remus stopped dead on his thoughts. True, he trusted Dumbledore and he knew that he'd do everything he could to end this war. But What if he couldn't? Even Dumbledore, being the powerful wizard he was, could fail. And if that happened… Remus didn't want to think of that, so he dismissed that thought.

He stood up energetically from his bed and started pacing on his room. The need for anything at all made Remus feel slightly alive again. He felt something bubbling up inside of him and he was almost felt grateful for his frustration. He tried to hold on to logical reasons. Something he had not made in quite a good time.

He tried pondering of the possibility of Voldemort's natural death, eventually… but the thought just seemed like an enormous joke.

He thought of the possibility of Harry defeating the said wizard, but Harry was just a kid. He could not conceive that. He deserved a normal life, not being involved with this war so deeply.

He thought of million other ways, he even considered running away, but dismissed the idea right away. He tried holding on to the silliest ideas, but it was pointless, and yet again, he knew he had to find a reason to keep believing, if not for him, for the people around, for that small group of people who counted on him.

He could understand how Harry must be feeling, losing his god-father and all. He could also understand how the order members must be feeling, losing a co-worker. But he couldn't understand what his mind was telling him right now.

He felt responsible for those around him –especially Harry-, He felt guilty for not being able to do anything at all, He felt frustrated, angry, even caged. But as to what respected to Sirius' death, he felt nothing.

He didn't feel sad, or pity. He felt as though, it was death he just read on the papers, a stranger, dying. Something natural. Sad and worrisome, but not a grieving matter.

He sat on his bed again, defeated. And there came the emptiness again. But this time, he refused it. He made himself feel angry again.

He stood up frustrated again, this time he paced, more for the strange lively feeling it bought him, than for actually feeling like it.

He thought of Sirius and he stepped furiously as if the floor had the entire fault for his numbness. He thought of his smile, surely not the huge smile he used to wear, but that sad smile he wore lately. He thought of how much he tried for everything to feel normal. And his frustrated expression every time he had to stay locked up in Grimmauld place.

He tried telling himself that he would no longer see him smile again, nor will he hear his voice desperately trying to help in anything other than just providing a place for the order.

At those thoughts he cursed, he paced, he yelled and he got tired. Frustrated that he could still not be touched by his friends death.

And then, after it seemed like he might just give in to the numbness again….

He cried.

XXXX

_So, what did you think? I really don't like it much but… _

_Please, review and tell me what you thought, any feedback (good or bad) is welcomed. Also, any kind of mistake is welcomed to be pointed out… _

_Love…_

_Gii3.~_


	2. Chances

_Like I said, don't trust me to post daily! I had a problem with song number two, that specific song-fic it's starting to get too long so I decided to just move on with the next song, I'm still going to update song-fic for day number two but it's going to take a while. _

_I won't keep you long. Just know that the characters belong to the amazing J.K. Rowling. _

_**Characters: **__Lily E./JamesP.  
**Genres: **__Romance/Humor  
_**Song: **_The girl all the bad guys want - Bowling for Soup_  


**Chances**

~~  
_**And when she walks,  
All the wind blows and the angels sing.  
She'll never notice me!**_  
~~

It's around eight O'clock in the morning, I'm sitting in Gryffindor's common room in a place near the chimney but in which I can see the stairway to the girls dormitory.

Why, you may ask, well that's simple. Lily Evans.

The most beautiful girl that has ever stepped on Hogwarts, with her long silky wavy red hair and self-losing emerald green eyes. And not only that, but the most beautiful smile ever as well.

She's not like other girls that just fall for my charms. She's one of the brightest person I've ever meet –including Dumbledore, Remus and my father- and she's always so nice to everybody, even to Snivellus, the reason for that is beyond me.

The thing is, she's so perfect, so… Cool even cooler than me, dare I say, and that is quite an accomplishment. Because being only in our third year I've already gained some popularity among the students our year. But she's- Oh, there she comes!

She's almost dancing her way down the stairs with her best friend whose name I really can't remember, but it's not like she's any important, with a friend like Lily it really is no wonder all the neck would break her way. She's just so charming.

The thing is, they now are walking their way to the way out and I can't help but stare at her. She's walking gracefully and I swear I hear some angels sigh somewhere. Just when she walks by the armchair I'm sitting in I open my mouth to greet her in any way, but she doesn't even notices! She just keeps talking to the un-named girl next to her cheerfully.

Well, of course she won't notice me. She's always into studies -since she's so smart and all- she always tries to help everybody out and has some kind of fixation for every kind of rules, and also –this is maybe the most important- wherever she goes, she always make heads spin.

Hence she doesn't even know I exist. It's like some kind of sad story in which the boy is madly in-love -Wait, in-love? - With the girl but she pays no mind, she sees right through him. Can anybody please kill me already? Believe me, if you were on my spot that wouldn't sound so drastic.

My poor existence is nothing more than a complete fail as I try to at least catch some of her attention. Because she likes smart boys, something I, even with my glasses can't achieve.

Gah! This is hell!

"Hey, Evans!" I shout her way.

She turns around with her usual big smile, which disappears the moment she recognize me.

"Awgh, leave me alone, Potter, will you?" As she says this she turns around as quickly as she did the first time and fastens her pace until I can't see her anymore.

Four years! Four abnormally long years! You know what's four years of chasing Lily Evans? Its hell that's what it is.

Maybe I should have listened to Sirius; I should have given up on her long time ago. Maybe when she told she'd rather date the giant squid than me would have been a good time.

But now it's too late to turn back! Had I given up four or three years ago, maybe I would have survived, because at that time, all I had was a crush, but not now. Now I think I may possibly be in… Lo… Well, That!

But don't worry fellows, I have a master plan!

I realized that if she so into studies, classes and rules, then it's obvious that if I show any interest in those same things she'll at least give me a chance, right? Because, after all, it's Lily, it's against her nature not to give people second chances.

Hence, two days after that new rejection I'm sitting in the library with a few books spread all over the table. I buffed at the thought of my friends when I told them my plan.

"_Prongs, where are you going?" Asked Sirius as I got up from my bed and started my way out of our room. _

"_To the library" I replied simply._

_But it didn't seem so simple to the rest of the marauders. When Sirius heard the word 'library' come out of my voice without any sign of mischievousness he dropped he ball he was playing with almost lazy and sat up on his bed in no time. Peter, who was finishing an essay for potions, snapped his head in my direction with his mouth slightly open, as to Remus, his eyes were about to pop out as he gaped at me disbelievingly. _

"_Where?" Peter asked, mouthing the expression in the two other's face. _

"_To the library" I repeated just as simply but starting to get a little annoyed by their reaction. _

"_Why?" Ask and outraged Sirius "Is this a prank you're planning to do, why didn't you told me?"_

"_No, Padfoot, it's not doing a prank. I'm going to the library because I have an essay I have to finish and I need a few books" As I said this Remus finally managed to recover from the surprise._

"_Is this some kind of plan of yours in which you think going to the library will make Evans realize she's desperately in love with you?" Asked Remus Lupin with doubtful eyes._

_At that question at looked at him disbelievingly. I mean, one thing is being perceptive, but that was wicked. There was no need for even a nod, as my expression said it all. _

_I heard Sirius snickering and I turned his way sharply and glared at him as he was trying to hold his laugher in. _

"_Oh, prongs, but that's stupid! Evans is smart, she'll realize it's all a trick, besides its kind of obvious if you put it that way" Stated Sirius chuckling slightly. _

"_Well you didn't realize" I replied bitterly. _

"_Yeah, but he's Sirius. Evans is… Evans" said Peter stuttering slightly._

_At that statement Sirius glared at peter's way, who just shrugged his shoulders playfully. Remus and I laughed. _

"_Look guys, I don't care what you think, I'm going to the library and I'll make Lily Evans realize her love for me! So now, if you excuse me" As I said this I took the doorknob in my hands when I heard Remus' voice again. _

"_You know, James, you've had plenty of stupid plans, but this…" I looked at him hopefully. Finally someone had realized my plan wasn't that bad. "This is the stupidest. And is bound to fail" I sent him a glare and was out of the room in no time. _

_Before I could go too far I heard a roar of laugher come from the other side of the door. _

Pff. Seriously, with friends like that… My plan is good, and is going to work, and when it does, we'll see who'll be laughing then! Hah!

I was so engrossed in mentally killing my three friends that I didn't realized some certain red-headed gaping my way until I almost tripped her over.

"Potter!" She growled in a very low voice, which made her growl seem even more menacing, even though I knew she was talking in a low voice in order to keep the peace in her beloved library.

"Evans!" Contrary to her I talked in a very normal tone of voice and with an enormous smile plastered in my face. For which I received a glare from both Mme. Pince and Lily.

"What are you doing here?" she murmured as she pushed me out of the sight of Mme. Pince.

"I came to study" I replied happily, though this time I was smart enough to lower my voice a little.

"Hah! Yah sure, what are you _really _doing here?" She asked in a skeptical way. I opened my mouth to reply but she cut me mid-sentence. "Wait! Are you planning to pull a prank in here, Potter? I won't let you! Where's Black?" She asked, now completely mad, and barely holding her voice down.

I rolled my eyes, why does everybody expects me to do _that? _Oh well, I guess I've given them a reason.

"No, I-"

"Do _not _lie to me, Potter!" She hissed and got closer to me in order to seem more menacing. "You never come to the library! Why does that have to be any different, _now?_"

"Because, Lily…" She glared at me even deeper. "I mean, Evans, it's our seventh year, something is _bound _to change!"

She opened her mouth to reply but was left without words. She looked at me suspiciously and I just ginned. The she finally gave up and started to walk away still sending me suspicious looks every now and then.

After that conversation of ours she didn't talk to me again except, of course, for that time I I tried helping some first years and she thought I was just planning to do 'some stupid prank of mine' –her words not mine- or that other time when I openly refused to hex Snivellus. Though that last time she didn't really talk.

"_Potter?" she had asked._

_I turned her way and smile openly like I had already done in previous times. _

"_Yeah?" She seemed like she wanted to say something but kept silence._

_She just stared at me for a few seconds and left without saying nothing much. _

After that, I'm happy to inform you, fellows, that things have gotten a little better than before. Sure, she still refers to me as 'Potter' and still refuses to talk to me as much but she does greet me every time I greet her in the common room and she has even smiled at a few jokes I tell her, so all in all my plan is working. Take that Remus!

I still can't help breaking some rules every now and then; I haven't managed a know-it-all appearance even with my glasses and sure enough, I'm still a headache for most teachers, but still she doesn't seem to mind as much now.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get my chance with her after all.

_So…? I personally didn't like the end, but… what shall we do? _

_Tell me if you liked it or not please! It really makes my day to see your reviews. _

_Now, gotta get working on song fic number 3, I'm already a day behind!_

_Well, Love…_

_Gii3.~_


	3. Dust

_**Character(s): **__Regulus A. Black__**  
Genres: **__Angst/Drama__**  
Song: **__Dust in the wind - Kansas_

**Dust**

**~~*~~  
I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone  
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity  
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind.  
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea  
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see**

**~Dust in the wind – Kansas~  
~~*~~**

I still remember mother's face when she first found out about Sirius getting sorted in Gryffindor. Mother has always praised herself to be cold and collected –and with good reason believe me- but that day. Hoh, nope, that day she went bonkers. All the self control she had kept on her life went crumbling with that letter.

I couldn't believe it at first either. I mean, Sirius has always been different, but that was just going too far. I was outraged and felt just as dishonored as mother did. But as years passed I learned to secretly praise him for that. First and more noticeable reason to that….

He had managed to do something that I never witnessed in my life again other than that one time. He made Walburga Black lose her temper. To such point I didn't even got surprised whenever I hear her send like three howlers daily.

But that was not only it. Also, and this is something I didn't realized up until recently, I envied him. Badly. I hated the fact that he were so brave, that he was able to put with so much, and still be fresh as if nothing happened. All our years in Hogwarts I used to hate his freshness, but that was until I realized I wished I could be the same. Wishing I could just change who I was and start all over.

I remember how he told me to get away, in his sixth year –and my fifth- he made me an insinuation of what he was planning to do, that he was going to run away, he told me to come with him, that I still had some hope left, and I discarded it, Because I believed in what I was taught. Because I was just another Black.

The most shocking memory thought, was when he technically pleaded me no to side _him. _He told me I could still escape from that faith. He told me that I didn't want to become a soldier, let alone for a man like _that, _And I got to admit, he sure knows me well. But I didn't know it then and I just mocked him and discarded it as well.

But gladly –or unfortunately, I don't even know anymore- I won't remember anymore.

Hah. Not after this.

He won't forgive me this, I know, but for once I won't be a coward.

I wish I could. But I can't. I can't turn back. I wish I could go back in time, I could live my life in a way I'd be proud of it when it came to this time. But all of it, all my life, I lost it for a man who's cruelty won't let him care one bit about it and to a women who never really loved me and who's coldness kept her from loving me like a mother should. I lost my life, for a bunch of other people who couldn't care less for it.

I had so gullibly believed in those people and now, after what seemed just like a few seconds, I lost my chance to live for myself.

And now, when I was about to lose a life, that never really belonged to me, now all my dreams started to meet up with me.

The good things left in me started to pass me. I laughed ironically as I started thinking about the most random things. About those things I will never do.

Now that I was getting a life of my own I was going to paint it with hope, even if it was just fake and impossible.

I thought of my future –of which I now lack of- I never really thought about what I wanted to do after Hogwarts, all my life I knew I'd be a death eater, that was what I was brought up to. I would have liked to become a professional Quidditch player. Play for the cannons maybe.

I wanted to find a girl, a girl I loved, marry and have children. Yes, children, in plural, not just one boy I could pass my legacy to. I wanted children; three would have been ok, maybe two girls –one like her mother and one like me- and a boy.

I laughed sardonically. And my voice echoed in the emptiness of my room in a rather cold way. Dust. That was all that was going to be left of me when Lord Voldemort realized I had one of his beloved Horrocruxes. Or well, not me, Kreacher did, I hadn't still find a way to get rid of it and I'm not stupid enough to carry it with me. If I can't destroy it at least I'll make everything in my power to keep it away from him.

I laughed at myself as I realized I still hoped. Somehow I still had faith that maybe he wouldn't notice, that maybe I'd live! That my dreams would come true. But of course I did, I'm just another fool!

I couldn't keep complaining any longer as the pain I felt next was not like anything I had ever felt before.

My left arm was burning like never before. I leaned in the wall of my room as gasped for air. I knew I could not avoid that call, even thought I knew if I didn't it'd be the end of me.

I kneeled in the floor defeated as the pain became lighter. I stood up and my way to the grounds without giving it much thought, I know I'd do something stupid if I did. So I just willingly walked to my death, already feeling like nothing but dust.

Xxxx

_What you thought? I personally don't really love it, but yet again, I never do… _

Please review!

Love…

Gii3.~


	4. Memories of a dying soldier

_And yet another angsty! I'm sorry but they keep coming and they're easier to write! _

**Character(s): ** Remus L.**  
Genres: ** Angst/Drama**  
Song: **Untitled – Simple plan

**Thoughts of a dying soldier**

_**I open my eyes  
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light  
I can't remember how  
I can't remember why  
I'm lying here tonight**_

I'm lying in the floor; I'm dancing around the edges of unconsciousness. I don't see, I don't know. Why is it so bright? What's that light? I can't see!

It's so bright. Why am I here? Where am I? I don't remember.

I open my eyes but I don't see a thing, all I see is that bright light, it's blinding.

Why? Why can't I see? Why am I blind? Why am I here? What's happening?

I've never felt so defenseless in my life. I'm so tired right now, I can't even remember anything. _****_

And I can't stand the pain  
and I can't make it go away  
No I can't stand the pain

For a few minutes I'm left to my raving mind. I make a move, I try to stand up, even if I don't see a thing, and then there's nothing but thoughts and then there pain.

An immense pain that's unbearable. I feel like I'm being punched over and over, like million little needles going into my body at once.

I don't understand, why? Why does it hurt so much? I can't take it. Please, someone make it end!

There's nothing I can do to stop it, if possible the white light becomes brighter as I become weaker. Why? Why?

I can't take it anymore. I feel my blood flowing outside of my body, I feel weak, I can't bare it any longer, please make it stop, please!

Someone take the pain away, I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore.  
_**  
How could this happen to me  
I made my mistakes  
Got nowhere to run  
The night goes on  
As I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just want to scream  
How could this happen to me**_

Then the pains gone. It's finally gone, but I feel oddly empty without it. All my life all I've ever felt is pain now it's gone it doesn't feel natural.

I feel like dying but I know I'm still far from that just now. I've never thought feeling so alive could be such a pain.

I open my eyes again and this time I manage to see beyond the bright light. There's a war going on all around me. Death eaters. In Hogwarts!

How? How did this happen?

I feel my body so weak I don't even try to sit down, I just lie there. I know I still got a lot of life left, enough to make the pain worst but not enough to live.

Why? Why now? No that I finally had a family, now that there was a place I could go back to. I've been in danger so many times, even in the edge of death a few times, but never did it felt so agonizing. Who's going to take care of Teddy? Nymphadora, yeah she would, if I didn't have the awful feeling that the women lying next to me had really bright pink hair.

Harry would, he'd take care of Teddy, if he survived, of course. He's just a kid, how do people expect him to outwit the world's most powerful wizard?

I know I've made tons of mistakes in my life, but is this really the price I have to pay? Were my mistakes so horrendous?

I ponder over the possibility of fighting. Even now, running away, saving my life and wife and my son's. But the idea dies young. It's silly to just consider it. I don't have anywhere to run and even if I did I wouldn't just leave everybody to their fate and save my own ass. So I just discard the thought and let the minutes pass.

The time keeps running and so does my life, but I stay in my spot. I feel like screaming! This is unfair! How? Why?

I don't want to fade away because I know I have somewhere to go, someone to take care of, yet again I don't care much, I want to go! I'm sick, I'm tired of pain and distress.

I want to scream, but my throat is dry.

_**Everybody's screaming  
I try to make a sound but no one hears me  
I'm slipping off the edge  
I'm hanging by a thread  
I want to start this over again  
**_

I didn't realize the numb state I was in until I heard the screaming. People crying, cursing and shrieking I even hear someone laugh sadistically every now and then.

I try to join them I open my mouth but I'm not even sure I made a sound. I'm mute by the screaming.

Then it hurts again. Not like before. This pain is subtle but not less painful for that. This is it. It's the end I can just tell.

I wish I could change it, I could start all over, but I know that's not possible.

It, I-

I can't take it, I feel my voice coming of my throat in a moan but I hear none of it. My voice is lost in the mash up of screams going on around me.

I scream because it hurts. I scream because I would have preferred it to end up quickly. I scream because it's unfair. I just scream, even though nobody is listening.

I scream for myself, to heal my own heart.

I'm barely holding on, but even when it hurts this much it's hard to just give into death so easily. I'm almost there, I can feel my body, dying.

_**So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered  
And I can't explain what happened  
And I can't**_** erase the things that I've done  
No I can't**

And in those last few minutes I try to keep my mind away from the pain. It makes me feel alive, I don't want to feel alive anymore, I won't get the chance to anyways.

I have no idea how this happens, how I ended up in here, lying in my own death but I try not to think of that.

'_Remus' _I hear a voice whispering, I don't know where it comes from.

'_Remus, C'mon, Harry needs you' _Says another voice. They both sound so familiar even though they belong to a life that is no longer mine.

"Sirius?" I ask in between a moan. It can't be, Sirius is death, he's death, and I'm alone.

'_The more you try to hold on to it, the more it'll hurt, Remus'_ Said a female voice which I know far too well. That's Lily.

'_Just let go, moony' _I know that voice, as well, it's James.

I tried to hold on to them. I can't let go of my life just like that but I can willingly swim to a time when everything was ok, when war didn't matter much, where life was easy. I could certainly do that. As much as a coward I felt I was by doing it. I found it was easier to let got for a reason than just because.

I give in, slowly and even though I'm happy it all finally ended, I can't help but realize what I've just done, I can't make the memory disappear. I gave into the easy and left a year old son unprotected.

I want to get rid of those memories, but I know they'll hunt me for as long as this goes.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

_So? What do you thought? I kind of loved it until the end. It didn't turn out as I wanted but I guess it's ok. _

_Please review, it really makes my day!_

_Now, got to get working…._

_Take good care_

_Gii~~~~_


	5. Barriers

_After ages of not updating at all, here I come, with this crappy chapter. A very good friend of mine told me to take things lightly, so if you're actually outraged by me taking so long to update (which I doubt) you can blame her ^-^ _

_I've challenged myself, I will post 30 songfics in here even if it takes me a whole lot more than 30 days, so I'm already asking for your forgiveness if I take too long to update, tht is, if there's anyone actually reading this… _

_And well, talking about the chapter… I seem to be doing only angsties, got to do something to help that. Only I could make and Angsty out of a love song (Which of course it is since its David Archuleta!) I'll work on something lighter, I promise! _

_**Character(s): **__ Sirius Black__**  
Genres: **__Angst/Drama__**  
Song: **__ Barriers –David Archuleta_

**~Barriers~  
****  
Too many Locks [Locks]**

I'm sitting in my cell, I'm locked in here.

In the dark corner of my dark existence. I can't see, and yet again seeing is all I do. I see the faces of my friends James and Lily smiling, I see harry, reaching for her mother's embrace. I see Peter taking their happiness away.

I then locked those memories in the farthest corner of his mind, where I don't want to reach.

Then I see a dim light coming. And after that I see some food sliding in my cell. I get a glimpse of the lock of my cell. It's not like I need it. I would never come any near the dementor willingly, they torture me enough as it is.

Then I slowly look to the front. Right in front of me there's a rather young witch, I see her cell locked as well and I felt a shiver run by my spine, those who make me feel alive every now and then.

Locks are one of the too little things that make me feel alive anymore. Knowing we were all trapped in this awful place, probably for life, was enough to me to death, that's why I avoided thinking of them as much as I could.

I locked the thought deep in my mind and let it be forgotten.  
**  
Too many crimes [Crimes]**

And when I think I may just give in to madness. I push my thoughts aside from me. I try concentrate in what my cell neighbors whisper in their crazy state of mind.

They don't notice but they rave, almost all day. Sometimes I wonder how can they keep on, but I guess they're just so engrossed in their memories they don't even feel the needs like a normal person would. They're hurting so badly they can't even consider such slight pains like hunger and thirst.

I've seen the witch in front of me spend complete days without tasting a think. Only rambling about her dead son and how that _bastard _deserved to die. How she was innocent as she was only setting things straight. She thought she had the right to kill him as he had killed her son.

Sometimes I heard in the cell next to me a poor guy raving about a master that will never come to rescue him and on the other side an old woman who was already there when I first came here that kept repeating to herself, day and night, 'it was just once, it was just once' She never said anything else for which I had no idea what was it that she did but he knew for sure that whatever it was she did it just once, and yet she'd been trapped in this unfortunate place for a whole decade now and Merlin knows how much more.

I also heard another man, by the end –or beginning? I couldn't tell it was always so dark- screaming! He barely stopped, at first I hated his screaming but after a few months I was grateful for it in a way. It reminded me what I didn't want to become and hence fought harder for that.

Trapped in this small cell all that kept me from going mad was that. Listening to the crimes that surrounded me, I reassured myself I was not like them; I was indeed unfairly put in here, I was no murderer, I hadn't betrayed my friends, and as much as I wished I had, I certainly didn't kill the one man who did.

As I sat there in my cell I hear the mumblings not really interested but trying to hold on to them. They were too many crimes for me to ever get bored of them.

**Too many tears [Tears]**

Tears.

If there is something I surely hate about Azkaban is the tears.

It's always so sad in here, in my year and three months of being captive here, there hadn't been one day tear free. Most of the times it was me who cried. For James, For Lily. For harry. For myself even. But when I got tired someone else cried.

The witch in front of me, she cried almost daily, it's still a surprise how she didn't dry out. Someone about three cells from me cried as well, I could never tell if it was a woman or a man. I could hear some soft sobs in the cell next to the one right in front of me, thought I had never seen anyone there.

Those occasional sobs where my only reason to believe someone actually was there. It was a women and I she sounded weak. Which was weird, she had been here before I came, and normally by that lapse of time she would have already drive nuts, and if she had in fact gone nuts she would have either fall into an unbreakable silence or just start sobbing loudly and painfully. But no, her tears sounded deep.

She wasn't just crying over being unfairly trapped in here, like most did, but yet again I wouldn't know that as she never talked, or at least not loud enough for me to hear it. If there were a reason between these empty cells –as these people were more death than anything- for me to get any near the dementors it was that sobbing woman. If I could, I would go to her cell and just sit with her and try to sooth her tears down.

And whenever I was conscious that I couldn't do such thing –and even if I did my help would probably not be accepted- I cried some more.

As if my own sadness weren't enough, I cried for that hurt woman as well.  
**  
Too many lies [Lies]**

And sometimes, when I don't cry anymore, I think of the man that put me here. Peter Pettigrew, that is. The man I thought was my friend, the man whose whole existence was nothing more than a lie.

I think of how much we used to laugh together and how, even if we never were that close he was still my friend. At those moments I feel the anger just built up inside me. If there's anything I hate that's betrayal, to the point that sometimes I can't even think straight.

The thought of losing my mind, that frightens me, not only for the fact itself, but because I made a promise to myself, that no matter what I'll take my revenge on that filthy rat, but as days go by that promise seems more like a lie.

Lies. There's lies everywhere, the sicken me. They surround me to the point it's almost suffocating.

When I think about those lies I shake them off, because sometimes they make me want to lose control, they make want to just scream, to just give into madness and not having to keep pretending anymore.

**Too many barriers [Barriers]**

And then there are this times, when I can't take it anymore. It's too much to take and I get tired just to try and take it all in. There are times when it physically hurts to have to keep myself away from the world.

It hurts, having to keep all that lies to myself, it hurts having to control myself, even when I don't see the point in that. But most importantly, it hurts having to wake up every day knowing that I'm trapped in here, and that there is really no helping that.

It hurts having to wake up and have barriers arouse you all over. It's not just the bars in my cell that takes my freedom away, but the barriers I've created myself, inside my head, to keep me safe from the world, from its lies, and from its crimes, from its cries…

But that's not what hurts me the most, no, who I'm I lying to? Sure that's not. What hurts me the most is that even out there, in the real world, people are prisoners of their own barriers, barriers that keep them away from the truth, barriers that just cannot be blamed to any crime or sorrow, only to the attachments of the soul.

And those moments, when I think of my friends, my family, basically of all the people I know, it outrages me to realize that they have a chance to take all those barriers away but decide to keep them up and keep the truth hidden, only because they're afraid, and because it's easier to lie to themselves than to lie to anyone else.

They knew me, very well, dare I say, and still decide to blame me because it's _obvious_, than really trying to understand, just because they're afraid of what there is to understand.

_Gaaaaah, total crap! I'm sorry, but this is the best I can do! (pity really) _

_I'll just post this and get it over with, I _promise _I'll try to do better for the songfics to come._

_Now… _

_Take Care_

_Gii~~~~~~~~~~~~_


End file.
